Institutional Religious Organizations and the Stages of Grief and Loss

In her book, “On Death and Dying,” Swiss-American Psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identifies five stages that are unique to the process of grief and loss. These five stages include Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Kubler-Ross clearly identifies the lack of prescribed order in which individuals progress from one stage to another, reinforcing the notion that an individual can find themselves present in any one stage at any period of time.

Kubler-Ross also discusses the idea that individuals can spend a varying amount of time in each stage, some may spend a brief time bargaining while they may find themselves spending a prolonged period in the stage of depression. Each person’s movement through the stages and length of stay in each is particular to the individual person. There is no “one size fits all” mentality.

It is important to note that Kubler-Ross revolutionized the medical field by being one of the first physicians to research and place importance upon an individual patient’s experience of death and dying. Prior to her work, very little attention had been given to patients with terminal illness and their experience, feelings and thoughts about their declining medical condition. Her work led to awareness that with impending or actual loss, there is a grieving process. This is a real and universal process that at some point in our lives each of us will find ourselves navigating its pathways.

Now, you might ask yourself, what does this have to do with institutional religious faith structures and the individuals who worship within this model? For me, I have spent a lifetime worshiping god within these structures (i.e. The Roman Catholic Church & The Episcopal Church) overseen by an internal hierarchy of leaders. I have been groomed to believe that worshiping god, receiving his love and doing his will, all come at a price. I mean that literally, an actual monetary price! By this, I mean, that for so long, these institutional faith structures have gotten away with hiding behind the guise of “all are equal and loved children in the eyes of god,” unless……you don’t do THIS, or you don’t give THIS amount, or you dare voice your opposition when you see corruption within the church.

Those institutional religious structures, the ones we have spent most of our lives worshiping within, are those that offer god’s unconditional love… but at a price. You may be shaking your head, thinking, how did I not see this, but like you, I too was fooled and bought into this narrative. This leads me to question why if I am seeking a deeper relationship with god, and striving to do his works on earth, would I continue to attempt this within the confines of an institution that clearly does not posses the same goals and values? This leads me to my connection to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and her groundbreaking work in the area of death/dying and the bereavement process. For so many of us, much of our lives have been spent in the church, a church that is dying. Just like any patient who receives a terminal medical diagnosis will tell you, it is incomprehensible for many of us to imagine religious life and worship outside of the four walls of the church. How could we? This is all we have ever known. However, the answer for me is clear. These institutional religious structures were never concerned about me or my religious growth. They were always concerned with their bottom line and keeping up appearances.

So, with this revelation comes my call to action. Do I stay and continue to seek out god in a place where god is a curtain by which those in power use him to hide behind in order to exert power and dominance over the very people they claim to nurture and protect? Or, is it time to make a change and say goodbye? Saying goodbye is not easy and with it comes so much uncertainty. All this to say that along with saying goodbye to the institutional hierarchy of organized religion comes a definite process of grief and loss. As Kubler-Ross explained in “On Death and Dying,” this process is universal and will be experienced in different ways by all. Yes, we will mourn and may also find ourselves seeking out answers as to why did this happen?

We will also spend some time in that stage where we continue to go back to the one place we’ve known for so long, that institutional religious structure. We will go back and forth and try to bargain with it, saying to ourselves, things like, “it is not so bad here, and “maybe we can make this work.” However, these thoughts are fleeting. Unfortunately, what is not fleeting is the oppression and silencing of any truth that is dared to be spoken to power.

What does speak the loudest are the actions of the very institution that promised to care for its sheep while at the same time engaging in behavior that would most certainly lead to their slaughter. These institutions have abandoned us, gods human servants in our greatest hour of need. It is this realization that propels me into the action of saying goodbye to institutionalized religion, for god is not there. Where is god? God is present whenever two or more come together in his name. Yes, saying goodbye to this institutional religious structure will be a loss and there will be a process of grief, but after denial, bargaining, anger and depression comes acceptance. Acceptance that maybe goodbye is not the end, but rather a beginning of a truly authentic ability to worship our living god.

Julie Ayer