Do you rehearse your order before going through the drive-thru? I always do! It’s been this way for as long as I can remember. If I go to the drive-thru without rehearsing, I freeze when I get to the speaker. Maybe that’s why I turn to the blog and write my thoughts and feelings in black and white. This way, I can edit and re-edit my writing until it’s acceptable to share. I never thought much about this little quirk I dealt with. Then, I had kids, and not just regular kids, medically complicated kids.
At one point, when my oldest was about 8, we moved a loveseat into her room, so I could only fall asleep sitting on that loveseat with a cheesy movie on the TV and my eyes trained on her. She had prolonged seizures as a toddler; she would stop breathing and shake violently. Then, her seizures changed to complete zoning out for periods of time. She would get high fevers, scary sicknesses, and so many things that would set me on edge. Logically, I knew sleeping on the couch wouldn’t stop any of those things from happening. Logically, I knew that if God was calling her, there was very little I could do to prevent that, but being near her, listening and watching comforted me.
It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I realized these feelings weren’t neurotypical. Feeling sick to my stomach every time I need to do something new, queasy having to make phone calls, and beyond nervous about any call from the doctors. The only time I actually felt in control was when I was actively dealing with my kid’s illnesses or troubles. When I was actively doing things, my brain would spiral. At that point, I realized I was dealing with anxiety. I talked with my doctors, I tried to talk therapy, and I asked for medication to take the edge off so I wasn’t spiraling every time one of the kids said: “My stomach hurts.”
Upon reflecting on our oldest being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder at age 5, I realized that I couldn’t really understand how to help her or even a fraction of the overwhelming sensory stimulation she felt until I acknowledged my challenges. Neurodiversity is a norm in our home, and I often forget it is not the same for everyone. People don’t usually walk around with a badge proclaiming their differences. Most of the time, you cannot tell if someone is neurodiverse or, as a friend, rejoices in her son, “neuro-spicy.” Anxiety, Autism, Chronic Illness, ADHD, bipolar, etc, are labels medical professionals have given people to obtain services and treatments to help manage challenges. But how does God label us? Does he distinguish us based on our skin color, brain chemistry, or other features like neurodiversity?
I don’t think so. My understanding is that we are all God’s children. Not one of us is better than the other in the eyes of our Lord. In fact, I often reflect on the passage from Philippians, which we frequently hear during communion:
“Do not worry about anything but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.’ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 6-7
It is not easy to stop worrying about accepting the parts of ourselves we don’t like. We must take even those parts of ourselves we don’t like and learn to love them because that makes us human beings. I cannot begin to conceive the vastness of God’s love and understanding, but by working to love all parts of myself, a small amount of peace comes to me in pieces. I am learning to focus on this more and more, to talk and write through these complicated feelings, and to trust in God. Perhaps that is why I am struggling with the concept of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy my new headache specialist suggested to target pain management. I feel pain, I’m in pain, and most medicines and treatments that are safe for me don’t offer relief. Every night, I work to surrender this pain to God, but now, to think that a doctor is suggesting I have the power to heal the real pain in my head is mind-boggling!
Are you on that cliff with me, where you believe in God with your whole heart and soul, but the questions plague you daily? I don’t think I’m alone, and I know sharing it with you is my first step in healing. I invite you to share your stories too!
God Bless,
Amanda