For me, prayer time is often filled with a mix of emotions. I’ve never been one to ask for prayers for myself genuinely. I’ve always felt that so many people have it way worse than I do. To this day, I’m still reluctant to ask for healing prayers because I don’t know if that is precisely what I need. The mere fact that people would hold me in their prayers and take time out of their day to think about me overwhelms me with so much gratitude. So, when I pray, I often ask for clarity for myself and others, for lessening of pains that plague, and for remembrance of those who have left this earthly world, thus freeing them from their ailments, at least, I hope so. That is where my transformation in Christ began.
I’ve told this story before, so I will try to be specific and concise in re-telling it. On September 21, 2022, I underwent my second brain surgery. The plan was to do on the right side of my head what had been successfully done on the left a year earlier. They cut into my head and intricately sewed a vein from my blocked carotid artery to a different artery in my head to aid in reestablishing blood flow to my brain. From the notes I’ve since read and discussions with medical staff, as they began closing up my head, an incident happened. It seemed to have been too much blood pumping to the delicate section, and I began to have swelling and a brain bleed. They had to open the wound up, remove a piece of my skull, and put me into a medically induced coma. The notes say I was in a critical state, and discussions with Chris and Mom occurred. I can only imagine how terrifying this was for them.
Meanwhile, I only remember and replay my encounter with God repeatedly. It was dark, and I remember feeling this overwhelming feeling of anxiety because I didn’t know it was God at that moment. I did see a very fuzzy light, seemingly at the end of the cliff. I walked side by side with who I now know was God as he told me it was time to join Him. I walked and remember thinking about my girls, my husband, my family, and all the things I had not experienced or accomplished yet. I also thought, but what if it isn’t paradise? What If I’m still in pain there? I screamed, “No, I’m not ready! Let me go back!” I remember this feeling of love washing over me like He knew that would be my reaction. Everything went black, and I felt like I was choking on a pool noodle and could not reach my mouth to take it out. I was coming out of sedation and trying to extubate myself, though my hands were in restraints. As I came to, I felt my mom’s soft hands holding mine and Chris’s gentle and protective eyes never leaving me. Then I felt the pain, and I would feel it, and I still do.
In the early days after surgery, I found myself telling God maybe I was wrong; perhaps I should have gone with him; the pain was too much to bear. But I felt His steady presence by my side, following me out of a week in the hospital and daily as I tried to be the person he allowed to stay. So, I don’t ask for healing for my condition during prayers. I ask for the ability to do what my body and mind can, to hold Joy and Love deep in my heart, to walk with Jesus and live a life that celebrates God but understands the complexities of human beings. I have felt a great peace in myself lately. I see the world with compassion, empathy, and love. Even when I strongly disagree with things happening around me, I find that connection with God. This connection continues to develop daily and is not something I had ever truly felt before my encounter with the crossroads in my journey of life on earth or life everlasting. Thank you, God, for knowing me better than I know myself and helping me find peace amidst the anxiety; I’m not afraid anymore, I know the eternal is a place of beauty free from hurt.
