I’ve spent most of my life looking for proof that god exists. Never did I imagine I would find evidence of his grace during the darkest hour of my life. On December 13th at 8:06 a.m. my phone rang. I answered it with a knot in my stomach, as it was my mom and it was far too early in the morning for her to call, let alone when she knew I’d be at work. I answered the phone to the agonizing screams that my dad had killed himself. The time after that call is a bit of a blur, and to remember is painful. The agony of this moment cannot be quantified in words. I remember thinking “I cannot survive this.” It was at that moment that I said aloud, “God be with me.” I just kept repeating those words over and over as if my very life depended on it.
I remember being surrounded by my closest colleagues, fellow support staff (counselors, principals, social workers). They came into the room and held me, rocked me as I screamed, got me up off the floor and into my car and drove me to my mom. I remember pulling up to my parent’s home. The presence of police and emergency responders confirming that my beautiful dad, my best friend, was upstairs dead in the attic. The idea that I had to get myself out of the car and walk into that house felt impossible. Another moment that felt unsurvivable. If I stayed where I was, then there was a chance this was all a horrible mistake.
My principal, Marylu and friend, John, helped me get out of the car. My friend John led the way up the path to the front door. All the while, my principal, Marylu, held onto my shoulders. This was the darkest moment of my life. I was so angry. I couldn’t go in there and face my mom or be in a new world without my dad. How would I do it? It was at that moment I remember feeling a warmth come over me that stopped me in my tracks. I remember experiencing a message telling me to put my anger aside, that there was no space for that anymore. I felt hands that were different than those of my principal. They were heavy and held me in place for a moment. The message urged me to go into my parent’s home and be a source of comfort for my mom in her grief. All that came before was done, now all that mattered was to give comfort and be present for my mom who is in pain.
Through comforting my mom my pain was still present. I have never felt so much pain in my entire life as I did during the days and months after my dad’s passing. However, I was able to find my own comfort. The fact is, when I asked for God to be with me and HE WAS. I had no expectations, I just cried out to him in my greatest moment of need and he answered. He showed me that through giving comfort to another, I received comfort. God showed himself through the acts/expressions of care and kindness from family, friends and community. I realized that my whole life, while I had been looking for one grand gesture to reveal the proof of God’s existence, he had been walking beside me all along. His grace, love, and patience were already happening through his earthly instruments, the caring people in my life.
Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.”
It was darkest hour of my life that revealed the most beautiful light, the light of God.
